Weight has always been something that I’ve always hated about myself. Its never been much on my list to really beat myself up for it, but never have I ever felt this bad about my weight. I look terrible.
Right now at this point in my life, I wish I knew how to stop caring and turn myself off. I want to be able to just allow things to be how they are. Accepting that this is only a small bump in the roadright now and nothing more then that. But I’m having such a hard time doing that. I need an outlet. I need a friend, and I have no one right now.. And this is the worst feeling ever.
I’m beginning to overthink again, and over analyze a lot of things. I lost my cool today and fucked up and in the end I’m scared that even though everything didn’t end up completely terrible, it still messed up a lot. My depression has hit me full force and I’m beginning to black out a lot. I’m greatful for it only being a short stretch of time for when they happen but I’m not happy that the wrong parts of me are coming out. I can’t lose control, and I need to get my head, mind, and emotions in check. I’m a big girl and I need to be able to handle things better. So its a good time to start holding my tongue and putting up a mask. I can do this. I have to. I need to. Because if I don’t I may lose the only reason why I’m here right now. And I can’t have that. Suck it up, hold it in, and when I can, let it out. Until then, its time I start acting my age.
I think if there was one thing that I could ask for right now, would be for someone to hug me. And hold me as if I were to fall if they were to let go. To tell me, that I can do this, that I can be someone, that I can achieve my dreams. For someone to tell me, Don’t listen to anyone, believe in yourself, and I’ll be right here every step of the way to back you up. To watch you save yourself, because I believe in you.
I believe you can do it.
I think what really pisses me off is that no one understands what’s happening outside of there own world. The United States isn’t protected by some giant force field that will shield us from all attacks, and thinking that we’ll be just fine is the wrong thing to do. In this kind of world, with this kind of technology and weapons in this time people should always stay in the cautious side of things.
With the threat in the middle east with Israel and Palestine at each others throat, if they fight, we fight. If we fight, Russia fights, if Russia fights then every other country we have that has our backs will fight too, and the same thing with the other nations. It’s a giant threat that everyone’s taking for granted and not prepping themselves for this war that is likely to come.
And I’m not embaressed to say that I already have a plan if something like this is to happen. Dallas is in the top 3 likely places to get attacked. Due to DFW being the third largest Airport in the United States. And Euless is 15 minutes away from Dallas. So, once this war starts, I’m not going to take any chances and I’m heading south. I’m going to go as far south as I possibly can near the largest body of water, be it the ocean, or Lake Whitney, which was my first choice.
And when I talked to my family about this, they laughed and said, “Nothing is going to happen. This whole thing will cool down and we’ll be okay.” Okay, I really don’t think you understand what’s most likely going to happen. But you know what, keep pretending were the safest country in the world only because we’ve never had any wars on the US soil. But try to think for a second and understand the possibilities and the threat that’s rising.
I think the worst thing I’ve heard during all my time cosplaying is from my own best friend. When we started cosplaying I had all of these things I wanted to do. And all of these costumes I wanted to make, but every time I mentioned it to her she would always stop me and tell me I couldn’t pull it off because of my weight. And how it would just look bad. And I gotta say, if there was any way to bring me down and stop me from doing what I loved, it was that.
So for the longest time I didn’t even try cosplaying. She always pulled off characters well. Especially Cloud Strife and Deadpool. So when she cosplayed I just sat in the back with her mom. And when I finally made my Maka cosplay, I always got left and sat in the Hallways for the entire convention, and even when she invited me to go with her to places it was always what she wanted to do, and the things I wanted to go to she never wanted to come. So, I’ve never had a group to go with. And it was sad. It basically sucked out the fun of cosplaying for me. So anytime I did cosplay it was by myself and I always sat around and did nothing.
And it’s sad to think, that that’s probably the way that it’ll be.
Cause I have no group, I never really have the nerve to put myself out there in the CosplayCommunity because I’m always afraid people are going to say something about my weight, so I stick by myself and do whatever. Even now when I recently talked to her about upcoming conventions I mentioned how I wanted to go as Damara from HS, Scanty from Panty and Stocking, and how I’m preparing my faun legs for FurryFiesta she still remarks how I won’t be able to pull it off, and trys to instruct me on how to do things as if I have no idea what I’m doing. And it really fucking hurts. |:
That moment when your mind can’t distinguish if you’re being severly annoying or if you’re just over thinking the situation.
I find it insanely depressing that no one will listen to me or believe in me in this house anymore.
Then again, I don’t really think anyone listens to me.
Hell, I don’t even believe in myself most of the time.
But it’d be nice to hear my family say that they believe in me.
That I can do it.
But, I can’t change people, so I’m just going to go about my ways like I have most of the time.
I used to live on this street in Sacramento. It was in Oak Park, 47th street and Y and I lived in this big house, that had the actual house on top and the garage below it. With this big metal stair case that lead up. It was my home, from when I was born, till’ I was 9. In the Oak Park area, it was really dangerous. Right down the street, not even a 2 minute walk, there were fights and murders almost every night in front of this little store that me and my mom always went to. But we didn’t have the money to move, so whenever something happened, my mother would pick me up and put me in the house, lock the door, and I remember she would put a movie on for me. She would tell me to stay inside, and she would call the police. It was a constant happening. But that’s only apart of the story.
When we lived in that house, we always had visitors. But because I was so young, I didn’t know that they were all dealers or people buying from my mom. I always called them my moms friends, and they were always really nice to me. This one man, I used to call him, the Nice Danny. Because my mom and me had a terrible incident with the “Bad” Danny when I was about four. But the Nice Danny was always really nice to my mother, and to me too. He always did things for me and her, and always picked me up from school when he had too, and took us places like the zoo, and movies. And at night a lot we used to walk to the little store to get my mom her cigarettes, and because the people in the neighborhood were so close to each other, we always stopped and talked to the people near the store.
I will always remember this night. It was around the end of September, I remember this because my mom always started her Halloween decorations then because October was her favorite month, and she wanted to be ready. We took a walk to the store, because we were out of milk. Danny had been with us at the time, because for a while he was living with us, so he always walked with my mom to the store and back. The store was always busy, it always had twenty or more people, and those that lived around the store were always outside, and kids were always playing outside even during the night time because the adults were outside.
Danny wasn’t a bad guy, he was just into bad things. Drugs, stealing, whatever he had to do for himself, and to support his life style. But he had a good heart, but even bad things happen to good people. A group of guys had come down the road and walked into the store. I remember I had been in the isle next to my mom and Danny was on the other side. They started fighting and the group came up to Danny and pushed him outside into the road. My mom screamed, pushed me to the ground and laid on top of me and three loud bangs went off. I remember looking up from the ground, and not being able to hear anything. I was in such a daze that my mom found me in front of him. It was the first time I had seen someone die in front of me. Someone of such big importance in my life, and they were dead. And I remember just screaming, until I blacked out. When I asked my mother what had happened when I had blacked out, all she said was that I kept crying, and asking if we had gotten the milk.
And to this day, my mom still brings him up in conversations. And I can’t help but tear up every single time.